Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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