what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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