in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
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I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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