pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
