omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
