You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
