Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
