I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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