Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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