i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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