mondays should just be called national damage control day
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
