Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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