I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
