i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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