He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
