I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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