Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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