You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
