dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
