i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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