Who did Billy Mays play for?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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