So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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