I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
