your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
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there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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