I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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