bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Best friends brother. Beat that.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
