Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
