My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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