Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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