my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
