i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
