just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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