My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
