I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
