Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
