Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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