I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
