In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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