Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
