I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
