News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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