I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
