Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
