You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
