help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
