wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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