Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
