Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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