My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.