Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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