when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
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I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life