She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
