Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
