I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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