I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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